New Job? Definitely a New Attitude!

So I am going to an interview today for a new job. It is at night. I hope that I can work at night. Have my daughter in preschool (daycare over the summer) and then sleep while she is there and wake up in time to pick her up get her ready for bed and then go back to work. Mostly I need the money, but in all honesty I also need to get out of the house and do something else. My daughter and I get on each others nerves sometimes. We both need more interaction than were getting.

As far as judo goes...I have a better attitude today. Practice last night was good and I am getting the hang of Uchi Mata. It isn't an easy throw with my short legs, but I try to go very deep and that helps a lot. I am having a bit more confidence there. Also I toned down my competitiveness during newaza and that helped a lot. I get far too competetive with my husband and it leads to nowhere. I guess I never realized how competitive I was. At the end of the day I have to still live with my husband. Besides he got me in a hold down last night honestly and I have to realize that there is someone out there who is stronger etc... I can't "win" all the time.

Dis-couraged

I have a couple of choices in judo class. Work with a kid...or work with my husband. The kid is a great kid -- hard working, smart, but also small. Or I can work with my husband who can't moderate himself. It is full speed or nothing and full speed could kill me (for real). So I get dis-couraged. I don't know what to do at times like these. I know I have to accept the limitations of my life both in judo and otherwise. But it is hard. I don't want to accept things the way they are. I want to practice. I want to learn. I want to be able to not have to worry about someone trying to break my leg clean off my body when I am uke and we are doing uchi mata uchi komi.

These things don't seem unreasonable.

Sore Again

Ughhhh.....Our judo practice yesterday was killer. It has been a long time since we have gone over 2 hours with hard practice. I hit complete and total muscle failure and at one point was laying on the ground while being held down in kesa gatame and I just gave up. That is unusal for me...I usually never give up, but I was wiped. Guess I need to keep up with the cardio.

We went over some newaza techniques/guard work (our sensei doesn't call it that though). We went over uchi mata and I am not very good at it. Hubby with his long strong legs and arms can twirl me around like a baton. Although I found I could counter him well with tai otoshi, but that was only if we were going very, very slowly. Our sensei never lets us go full speed anyway. I stopped buying advil because I haven't needed it in months. I will surely be ingesting some today.

I am also noticing lumps where there weren't any before. I was laying on the couch. What is that lump and I realized it was muscle tissue on the under side of my shoulder. I didn't have muscle there before...well at least I didn't notice it before. I was seriously freaked out for a second.

Weights and Cardio

My cardio has been getting better. I am trying to decrease the amount of time it takes me to run a mile. My goal at this point is 8 minutes on the treadmill. My record for the mile is just under 7 minutes, but it has been a long time since I have been able to keep up that pace. But 8 minutes on the treadmill is enough of a goal. I am now just under 10 minutes.

So I get to the gym and run a mile and then walk a mile at a fast pace at an incline. And then I cool down at a slow pace for about 5 minutes. Then I hit the weights.

I have been doing a weight routine that feels right to me, but I don't know if it is "right". I really want to get the Gracie Superfit book. It has an excellent training plan and would be a good model for judo. I have read through it in the bookstore on a number of occasions. In any case I can lift 30 lb dumbells for about 3 sets of ten. I alterate each arm standing. I have gotten a lot of attention lately from the men. They look at me lifting my 30 lb dumbells and then they give me another look and then they put down their weights and get some that are heavier. It is a good feeling in a way, but I would love to have a woman to work out with...someone built like me because I feel like a freak. I also do squats. I think I am just at 120lbs for deep squats. Then I do inclined situps with a medicine ball. I can't feel situps in my abs anymore which is a problem. Even with the medicine ball I still don't get that much of a workout. We are up to doing 80 (well the sensei does 80 but I can only usually get 70 during the same time period) in our judo class. If hubby is with me we do some medicine ball drills and plyometric stuff. If not I usually then do some assisted pull-ups and dips with a 40 lb counterweight in sets of ten. Then I stretch and usually do a few yoga stretching/balancing moves to ground me.

Emotional Wellness

I have been fighting with myself. The internal struggle is about my own personal goals. I have a deep longing to compete and that energy is just stuck right now. I have trouble pacing myself and being patient. Perhaps these are the most important lessons that are learned in competitive sports. Judo is frustrating in that way. It is a path that involves competition and yet it is a path that involves non-competition, patience, continued practice.

Like the Dr. Pepper ad (and the Queen song) says, "I want it all and I want it now." I feel very much like my three year old sometimes.

Yoga has been grounding. Hubby went again with me this week. I am learning to contort my body and the non-competitive practice is useful. I also have been doing cardio and weight lifting and those things are useful.

For some reason right now my whole life feels out of balance so I am struggling with bring it all back into balance. My hunch is that I need to just accept and let things be right now. I have uncertainty about some competition possibilities. I have uncertainty about going back to work in the Fall. I have uncertainty about so much and it is hard to just let it be and to just let go.

Most importantly to remember that I am okay no matter what happens in competition, in judo, in my career, in life. I am okay. As our yoga instructor said yesterday. For a moment just to be...for no reason other than just to be in that moment. Just to exist as another living organism. I forget who it was that said I don't have to do anything but stay black and die. In my case I have to remember I don't have to do anything but stay me and die.

Only Yoga...

This is going to be an only yoga post. I am trying not even to use the word judo. Oh darn already did.

Anyway, hubby was home yesterday so I took him with me to morning yoga. The instructor at the gym can contort you, stretch you and make you sweat and at the same time talk you about opening your chakras. I tried to set aside all competition, but with hubby right there it was hard. Since we started judo together we are massively competitive. It is a good thing most of the time. It ends on the mat and we go home to our respective roles of wife/mother, husband/father.

In any case after about the fifteenth plank and subsequent triangle pose I was sinking back into child's pose to rest in between. Today I am honestly really sore. But we both were very relaxed afterwards as well as being sweaty and I am sure our chakras were open!

More internal Struggle

So the thought goes this way....if I work with a man and I lose then it is okay because he is supposed to win since he is a man, but if I work with a woman and lose what does that say about me. Now I understand what some of the men go through when they work with me. I worked with a woman for the first time. I am happy to welcome another female judoka to the class and hope that she stays. I have this feeling she will. Even though it was the first class I sensed that competitive streak. You can't learn that. I believe your are born with it. When a kid joins the class they are either totally uncompetitive or they are super focused. With adults it seems to vary some, but this woman definitely has that fight in her. She is in good shape and she is quick.

So then comes fear. Oh no what if she beats me. What if she is stronger than me, quicker than me. And the list goes on.

Then I stop and take a breath. Set ego aside and realize it doesn't matter. If I "lose" in randori or shiai then I learn. There are people out there better than I am and there are people out there that are worse. What I can bring is dedication. Dedication to become strong and fast and to be technically proficient. Dedication to "bring it" with those who try to crush me and to adjust with those who are new. Dedication to the process. Whether I win or lose I have dedication. Someone on the judo forum said that dedication by itself isn't worth much. You can be dedicated to being a career criminal. This is true, but the first step is to find something worthy of your energy. I found judo and certainly it is a worthy sport. It is a physical chess match that sharpens me mentally, physically and sometimes even spiritually. It is worthy. Now that I know I want to dedicate to it I can focus on what I can control in life which is my effort. I am older and it may be that my body gets weaker quickly in the next few years, but I can continue the mental effort even after my body starts to fail. In the meantime I am enjoying this and I am learning to let go of that childish ego and embrace the woman within. She is capable.

Monkey Bars

My upper body workout now includes the monkey bars. I do partial pull ups, knee lifts and of course just go across. What a great way for a mother to get her exercise. I also have my daughter cheering me on. You can do it, Mama!

Judo tomorrow. As always I am excited. I have decided to stay away from the philosphical discussion on the judo forum. It gets depressing and ends up being unhelpful to my own personal growth. History -- useful, techniques --useful (as long as I understand I can't learn from internet only), been there done that stories -- useful, people moaning and arguing over the deeper meanings of judo -- not useful to me at all. I do have my own deep meaning, but I think at this point it hasn't helped me to share them. Part of this is because people can't just discuss at the judo forum. There is so much judgement. Maybe I learn better by doing anyway.

Rock climbing next week. Woohoo!! Husband is coming with me!

So I am progressing. Still don't know how to deal with some of the new attention I am getting from losing weight. In yoga I look nothing like the other women. In fact I prefer sitting next to the guy in the class because I am built more like him. Then again it is real challenge for someone with my body type.

Boob-a-gatame?

Learn about the judo move Boobagatame at Stacey's website on the judo forum.

Be afraid...be very afraid.

http://JudoForum.com/index.php?automodule=blog&blogid=32&showentry=337

How good is good?

Do you ever wonder how good is good? So you start this sport/martial art and you are doing well at it. But part of the reason you are doing well is because you are totally obsessed with it. Today my sensei asked what keeps me coming back week after week.

And my answer? Bordem. Life can be boring and judo satisfies both my intellectual boredom and my physical boredom.

I don't want to be great, but I just have never had a sport that I have enjoyed as much as judo. It seems to capitalize on all of my good qualities.

Short, strong flexible body -- good for grappling/judo

A mind that seeks a constant challenge -- also good for judo

A desire to be a lifelong learner -- judo is a sport that promotes lifelong learning

Enjoyment of teaching others -- there is an opportunity to pass on knowledge (at some point)

So how good is good? I suppose that has to do with what you decide good is. When I eventually compete in shiai I will know if I am good at competing in shiai. But that is all. Kind of like passing a big test or getting a 5 on my English AP exam. It only tells you that you are good at passing that particular test at that particular moment.

I guess the real test is within.

Illness strikes

Illness has struck our household. My daughter has an ear infection again. My athletic activities are at a minimum right now. My last judo class went well. Good turn out and we went over a lot of techniques. Ne waza (ground work) went well, but I need to work on my chokes. I am getting my hand into the opponents lapel but not getting the choke so obviously I have my arm in there wrong. My hand is actually against the bare neck and holding the lapel and I am not getting chin so who knows what I am doing wrong.

I missed my yoga classes this week. I don't have the energy to devote to many activites until I can get myself and my family back up to speed. I do plan on committing to 2x per week once we get well.

I didn't get in bed until 11:30PM last night. My husband woke me up at 12AM not feeling well. It took me an hour to get back to sleep. Then my daughter woke me up at 4AM. I am dragging today.

Training "Light"

Judo has been slow. Not much going on except that we will be grading at the end of the month for Orange Belt. I worked with one of the kids (8 year old I think) in the class and I have a massive bruise from Hiza Guruma on my leg. You wouldn't think that a kid could do so much damage. Today class was cancelled so hubby and I just worked out. I really need some direction to my weight lifting and conditioning program.

I am back to regular yoga classes (2x) per week and I am practicing some techniques at home. I really want to be comfortable in the handstand. The inverted poses are so relaxing and it is really helping my flexibility and strength.

I enjoyed my indoor rock climing. I plan on getting a babysitter and bringing hubby next time. It was a lot of fun. And of course I am working on losing weight. I have taken a temporary break on the weight loss, but I am getting there slowly. I want to encorperate more cardio into my training. I have normal body fat according to a % check at the gym. So that is a really good thing, but I still want to lose about 20 pounds so I can be in good athletic shape and not just average for a woman my age.

Body Changes and an Elbow Assault

Things have really changed both inside and outside of myself. I still have the extra 15 pounds I need to lose and I can still pinch an inch on various different places, but overall there has been a huge transformation. I can feel hip bones and my muscles are toned.

I was more focused last practice. Hubby went for my elbow using a non-judo self defense move that he forgets he is not suppose to use. I thought my whole arm was going to break. I am not ashamed to say I said a naughty word and cried a little. Then I stretched some and realized it was not broken. Just tweaked a little. So I went on to do more ne waza and the sensei matched me with 16 year old football player who is about 10 pounds heavier. And of course he went straight for the tweaked arm and tried and arm bar. I flipped myself up over his back and pivoted around him and I was out of the arm bar. His response, "I have been gone for a while." Of course I needed another break after that because my elbow joint was hurting. Then I came home and iced it and had hubby wrap it up. Everyone had tried to arm bar that one arm and there are bruises from my hands up to my forearm, but the elbow joint feels fine now. I do however look like a domestic violence sufferer.

It is just so weird to feel the muscle mass through my arms. I can't quite manage a full pull up yet but I can do monkey bars again at the playground with my daughter. Tomorrow I signed up for parks and rec indoor rock climbing. We will see how I do. I am hoping that it will be useful cross-training for judo since it uses a lot of the same finger strength for gripping and upper body strength and it is a lot more fun than just lifting weights.

Personal Problems, Focus and Patience

I have some personal issues going on right now involving extended family. I am learning to go with the flow of things despite the fact that life is more difficult than I would like. Rolled with the sensei last night and I had no resistance. I was just milk-toast. My mind is not in a good place and it definitely shows in my judo. I am slow and exhausted. When I am tired I have a habit of opening my mouth and closing my eyes. In judo and in life I am learning to close my mouth and open my eyes. Good lesson all around.

Rollerblading, Jump-roping and Yoga

I have been rollerblading in between judo classes at the skate park. I am sure the teenagers think I am a grandma at age 31, but whatever! I am working on spins and trick jumps on and off a concrete block runway thing. Also am starting to work on getting up the half-pipe ramp.

This morning I got up and jump-roped and then did a full yoga workout with three sun salutations and couple other moves. It felt really good and centering and I have decided it should be a morning ritual.

I still really need to lose 20 pounds. So I am shooting for 10 pounds in the next month. Then a break for a couple of months and then 10 more. I have to take breaks from calorie restriction because if I don't I get really tired. I am taking a EAS low carb protien supplement which is mixture of soy and whey protein. So far it is working as well as the all-soy one that I was taking. Wonder if there is much of a difference?

Motivation?

I have gotten over my anger at the people who tried to break me. My ego gets hurt more than anything. Of course when I get really angry I want to cry, but I am learning to channel that energy into my performance. Of course if I really want to cry I am just going to do it. I haven't gotten to that point yet.

I notice when my husband throws me that I hit the ground hard and it hurts...I notice that when my sensei throws me I hit the ground hard, but it doesn't hurt. My husband says he thinks it has to do with the smoothness of the energy transfer of the throw. In other words when we newbies are throwing the power is not steady and we are "jerky". Not sure how else to describe it.

I think I should rename this blog since I just can't get into yoga anymore. Sigh...it would be so good for me if I could do it more regularly. Anyone have any motivation??

Ughhh

Trying to remain calm. One person tried to break my jaw in judo and another punched me in the head. I wish people would stick to judo on the judo mat. I did yell out a cuss word...woops we have been warned about that. I apologized from my protective shell after being whapped in the head. I am too angry to post anything else about it.

Weight loss...

Okay...ughh...I have that extra 20 pounds I want to lose. I have been taking a break from losing and now I want to get back on track and at least lose 10 in the next month which is not unreasonable. Some of this is for judo and some just is for me. In the past I have given up all refined sugar, anything that has sugar as a major ingredient, fried foods and anything that is really high in fat. This means I eat at home. I make my beans and rice, tofu and veggies and drink my protein drink because I need it to maintain and build muscle mass. I just need to make a commitment today. No crash dieting and I probably need to go back to the "group".

Yoga oh Yoga I have neglected you so...

Why is that you ask? Because I am completely obsessed with judo. Judo forum, judo class, judo dreams, youtube. Yes I dream of leg techniques and wake up to find my legs intwined with my husband's.

Working out is going well. We are working on techniques that can be used in competition (I think?). We are doing things like kata guruma from the knees because we don't have a good enough forward ukemi and also some leg hooking take down from the kneeling postition. Watching youtube I see that these techniques are often used to win competitions, but are often not considered "good judo" but you figure what else can you do as a novice. I got to work with a brown belt and I notice that I have a long, long, long way to go. It is kind of discouraging. I need some yoga to balance me out.

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