Emotional Wellness

I have been fighting with myself. The internal struggle is about my own personal goals. I have a deep longing to compete and that energy is just stuck right now. I have trouble pacing myself and being patient. Perhaps these are the most important lessons that are learned in competitive sports. Judo is frustrating in that way. It is a path that involves competition and yet it is a path that involves non-competition, patience, continued practice.

Like the Dr. Pepper ad (and the Queen song) says, "I want it all and I want it now." I feel very much like my three year old sometimes.

Yoga has been grounding. Hubby went again with me this week. I am learning to contort my body and the non-competitive practice is useful. I also have been doing cardio and weight lifting and those things are useful.

For some reason right now my whole life feels out of balance so I am struggling with bring it all back into balance. My hunch is that I need to just accept and let things be right now. I have uncertainty about some competition possibilities. I have uncertainty about going back to work in the Fall. I have uncertainty about so much and it is hard to just let it be and to just let go.

Most importantly to remember that I am okay no matter what happens in competition, in judo, in my career, in life. I am okay. As our yoga instructor said yesterday. For a moment just to be...for no reason other than just to be in that moment. Just to exist as another living organism. I forget who it was that said I don't have to do anything but stay black and die. In my case I have to remember I don't have to do anything but stay me and die.

Yoga oh Yoga I have neglected you so...

Why is that you ask? Because I am completely obsessed with judo. Judo forum, judo class, judo dreams, youtube. Yes I dream of leg techniques and wake up to find my legs intwined with my husband's.

Working out is going well. We are working on techniques that can be used in competition (I think?). We are doing things like kata guruma from the knees because we don't have a good enough forward ukemi and also some leg hooking take down from the kneeling postition. Watching youtube I see that these techniques are often used to win competitions, but are often not considered "good judo" but you figure what else can you do as a novice. I got to work with a brown belt and I notice that I have a long, long, long way to go. It is kind of discouraging. I need some yoga to balance me out.