Emotional Wellness

I have been fighting with myself. The internal struggle is about my own personal goals. I have a deep longing to compete and that energy is just stuck right now. I have trouble pacing myself and being patient. Perhaps these are the most important lessons that are learned in competitive sports. Judo is frustrating in that way. It is a path that involves competition and yet it is a path that involves non-competition, patience, continued practice.

Like the Dr. Pepper ad (and the Queen song) says, "I want it all and I want it now." I feel very much like my three year old sometimes.

Yoga has been grounding. Hubby went again with me this week. I am learning to contort my body and the non-competitive practice is useful. I also have been doing cardio and weight lifting and those things are useful.

For some reason right now my whole life feels out of balance so I am struggling with bring it all back into balance. My hunch is that I need to just accept and let things be right now. I have uncertainty about some competition possibilities. I have uncertainty about going back to work in the Fall. I have uncertainty about so much and it is hard to just let it be and to just let go.

Most importantly to remember that I am okay no matter what happens in competition, in judo, in my career, in life. I am okay. As our yoga instructor said yesterday. For a moment just to be...for no reason other than just to be in that moment. Just to exist as another living organism. I forget who it was that said I don't have to do anything but stay black and die. In my case I have to remember I don't have to do anything but stay me and die.