More internal Struggle

So the thought goes this way....if I work with a man and I lose then it is okay because he is supposed to win since he is a man, but if I work with a woman and lose what does that say about me. Now I understand what some of the men go through when they work with me. I worked with a woman for the first time. I am happy to welcome another female judoka to the class and hope that she stays. I have this feeling she will. Even though it was the first class I sensed that competitive streak. You can't learn that. I believe your are born with it. When a kid joins the class they are either totally uncompetitive or they are super focused. With adults it seems to vary some, but this woman definitely has that fight in her. She is in good shape and she is quick.

So then comes fear. Oh no what if she beats me. What if she is stronger than me, quicker than me. And the list goes on.

Then I stop and take a breath. Set ego aside and realize it doesn't matter. If I "lose" in randori or shiai then I learn. There are people out there better than I am and there are people out there that are worse. What I can bring is dedication. Dedication to become strong and fast and to be technically proficient. Dedication to "bring it" with those who try to crush me and to adjust with those who are new. Dedication to the process. Whether I win or lose I have dedication. Someone on the judo forum said that dedication by itself isn't worth much. You can be dedicated to being a career criminal. This is true, but the first step is to find something worthy of your energy. I found judo and certainly it is a worthy sport. It is a physical chess match that sharpens me mentally, physically and sometimes even spiritually. It is worthy. Now that I know I want to dedicate to it I can focus on what I can control in life which is my effort. I am older and it may be that my body gets weaker quickly in the next few years, but I can continue the mental effort even after my body starts to fail. In the meantime I am enjoying this and I am learning to let go of that childish ego and embrace the woman within. She is capable.