Do I try for the yellow belt promotion? I find myself wondering if I am just kidding myself. After all I am atill about 30 lbs overweight. I am not as strong as the men although stronger than a lot of the 14 year old boys. For some reason it doesn't help to know I can beat a 14 year old. The sensai says it is about skill but there are those that are looking to win every time. It is the way of men and the way of women too I guess. We want to win.

What I don't want to do is embarass myself. I still lack some of the leg/hip strength to execute the throws. But I am doing squats now every day to try to strengthen myself. For me it is mental. I am the only woman in a sport that is male dominated with a tough sensai who is hard to read. Sometimes I feel that I am in the way. I can't help but feel like a second class judoka. Maybe I should stay a white belt until I can make up my mind if I have the right mental state to succeed. It certainly is easier than trying and failing, but then again I have always learned a lot from my mistakes.