New Attitude

I have turned over a new leaf.

Sure I am still overweight. Sure I am still wondering if judo is where I belong. But most important I am not a quitter. Time to find a yoga class and start going to it regularly.

Laziness and a lapse in Wellness

I am fat...I am unmotivated...I am bored with judo.

But yet I keep going to every class. We are a mostly newaza club and I think I have had enough. I need to lose weight more than anything. I have let the stress of work..changing jobs yet again...and life in general get me down. I really want to make a commitment to judo, to my new new job and to myself. I have considered aikido. Perhaps I have gone as far as I can where I am, but I am not ready to give up the martial arts.

This is not how I imagined my early 30s to be.

Getting back into blogging

The question is why haven't I been blogging. The answer could easily be a new job, but I think in reality it has a lot to with the fact that I turned down a chance at international competition for said job and now I am bummed. Judo class is going okay. We have a lot of beginners and I spend most of my time working with them. I don't mind, but I still haven't competed yet and I am feeling less competent rather than more because we haven't been doing much stand up work because of the new people. I get they still have to learn ukemi. I get that I need to learn patience and that I am in a small club. But I am still bummed. More than anything I wish that I could do it all and I can't. We always sacrifice one thing for another.

I think it is time for some yoga and more cardio. I have really neglected my conditioning and have been only doing judo. Yoga is always grounding.

How not to be marginalized...

I attended a fabulous birthday party and was jealous of a very cool Hello Kitty contact case. So I had to use my Hello Kitty picture today.

As far as training goes...I am taking life more seriously and less seriously at the same time. I realized that I have a tendency to marginalize myself. All that I can do at this point in my life is learn. The difference between 31 and 21 is that I can learn without thinking that I have to learn everything. I can learn to learn...if that makes any sense. I am in a way less goal oriented. The goal is there somewhere in the distance, but for now my goal is the process. It is to keep working, keeping going to the gym, keeping seeking knowledge. I don't have to have to arrive anytime soon. I am on this train for a long time and I guess I am getting used to it.

New Day...better attitude, I hope.

So after reading Mongo's comment on my last post I paused. Of course judo is for me...I love judo. Well, maybe the honeymoon is over and I don't love it as much as I used to, but I am not going to quit. I can't quit until I have actually done tachi waza randori in my club, until I have competed in shiai, until I find out if my uchi mata would actually work on someone my own size. Until then I am sticking with it. I still enjoy aspects of it.

Scared

I am scared of the change. The new job begins two weeks from yesterday. I am really scared that I am not going to be able to juggle my family and my work. Judo is not nearly as satisfying as it once was. I am tired today and still sore from Saturday. The work out was good, but I really feel like I lack focus in my training. What am I training for? November is still there as a goal, but it has seemed an awful long time to wait for a first shiai. I get more irritated on the judo forum. Obviously I get information there, but of course it is not as good as having someone show me the answers to my questions. I don't think some of the more experienced people on the forum have any idea of what it is like to be a beginner in a small club working slowly on the basics. I have always thought there was way too much judgement on there. You have to wade through the judgement to learn anything from it. I am dissatisfied, but what can I do but be patient. I have limited training partners and it sucks being the shortest, the only woman etc... Today it just sucks to be me.

Hope I shrug off the bad attitude soon.

Balance

I am striking a balance in my life. I am moving from stay-at-home Mom to working mother. My daughter will attend a Montessori school in the Fall. I am excited for her...I am excited for me. My mental health is doing well. Unfortunately, the job is a night job so I will have the challenge of being up all night and asleep all day--then off to pick daughter from school. I will work four tens which is a plus. I love three day weekends.

As to judo...I am making it a priority. I didn't accept an evening shift position for that very reason. Judo is my prozac. I have to have it at least twice a week. On an aside, who would have thought that there is so much to uchi mata. I am not at all the right height for it, but on occasion I do get it. I am finding that I need more tai sabaki movement in order to get my leg in the right position. Of course I have yet to try it on someone my own size. Working with people a foot taller and 25 pounds heavier makes it harder. I think in reality I wouldn't use uchi mata on someone that size, but I have little choice in training partners at this point.

I am completely exhausted today from judo class. I still have that treading water feeling. I really want to compete, but there is nothing to compete in at the moment. It gets claustraphobic in our class sometimes.